Abraham, Abraham!
by Jeuxdevie
Summary: The patriarch Abraham, father of Isaac and grandfather of Jacob, is the reason why the world is in chaos. Wars, disease, destruction and corruption... it's all because of him. Find out why.


_Disclaimer: The Bible was written by people from long, long ago. Its King James Version, upon which this story is based, is now in public domain._

**Abraham, Abraham!**  
>by: Jeuxdevie<p>

When he came of age, Abram, the son of Terah, took a woman for his wife; and this woman's name was Sarai, and she was beautiful. And for days and nights, Abram knew her, for he desired to have many sons with her. But Sarai was barren; she conceived no children. And Abram came to be content in what the Lord had given him, and gave praise, and loved his wife still. And the Lord became pleased with him.

And it came to pass, when Abram was ninety years old and nine, the Lord appeared to him, and said, "I will make a covenant between me and thee, and will multiply thy descendants exceedingly, as many as the stars in the sky. Thou shalt be the father of many nations, and thy name shall be Abraham. As for Sarai thy wife, thou shalt call her Sarah, and I will bless her and give thee a son of her, and thou shalt call his name Isaac.

"And it is with Isaac that I shall establish my covenant. From him shall be born kings and princes like none the world has ever seen. His descendants, like him, shall be strong and wise, just and compassionate, and pure in mind and heart, and they shall rule over the nations in eternal peace, as I, the Lord, had desired since the beginning of time."

And as the Lord had promised, a son was born to Sarah, and Abraham named him Isaac. And Abraham and Sarah loved him dearly. And the boy grew to be strong and wise, just and compassionate, and pure in mind and heart, and a natural leader, a man among men.

And it came to pass, when the boy became twelve, that God did tempt Abraham, and test his faith, and said unto him, "Take now thy son, thine only son Isaac, whom thou lovest, and get thee into the land of Moriah; and offer him there to me for a burnt offering."

And Abraham became distressed, and in his chambers there was weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth, and rending of clothes in the cold desert air, but he knew that it had to be done to assuage the wrath of God.

And came the early morning, and Abraham found himself sick with a bad flu. He had blocked sinuses that made breathing difficult, and a runny nose, and a throbbing headache. Yet he, being a true servant of the Lord, saddled his ass, and took Isaac his son, and clave the wood for the burnt offering, and went unto the place of which God had told him.

Father and son arrived at the place God had said of. And Abraham took the wood of the burnt offering, and laid it upon Isaac his son; and he took the fire in his hand, and a knife. And Isaac spake unto Abraham his father, and said, "Behold the fire and the wood, but where is the lamb for the burnt offering?"

And Abraham blew his nose into his rags, and tried to force the mucus out, but only made it worse. And he spake to his son, and asked, "What is it, my son?"

And his son said, again, "I said, behold the fire and the wood, but where is the lamb for the burnt offering?"

And Abraham smiled and said, "My son, God will provide himself a lamb for the burnt offering." And Abraham built an altar, and laid the wood in order, and, with a swift blow to the nape and some twine, knocked out and bound Isaac his son, and laid him on the altar upon the wood.

And Abraham stretched forth his hand, and took the knife to slay his son.

And the angel of the Lord called unto him out of heaven, and said, "Abraham, Abraham."

But Abraham did not respond.

And the angel of the Lord called unto him out of heaven again and said, "Abraham, Abraham!"

But Abraham did not hear, for his ears were blocked with the flu. And he slashed the air with his knife, and stabbed his son into the chest, and killed him.

And the angel of the Lord shrieked in utter terror. "Abraham! You nincompoop!" the angel shouted into Abraham's ear, dousing him into full attention. And Abraham was doused into full attention.

And the Lord himself came down from heaven, and bellowed upon Abraham, "Why did you kill your son?" And Abraham said, "Because you had told me to, Lord." And God responded, "But I was about to warn you not to kill him." And Abraham said, "But I did not hear your voice, Lord, for I have the flu and my ears are blocked."

And God responded, "Well, why didn't you say so? For a second there, I thought you were being disobedient." He laughed and he laughed, and he said, "I didn't want you to kill your son; I only wanted to test your faith. Though you may have lost your son, I knew that you did not withhold even him from me, and with that I am well-pleased. Well done, my faithful servant."

And Abraham cried and wept and besought the Lord, "But my son is dead! What should I do?"

And God answered, "Burn him. Bury him. It doesn't matter. If you wish to replace him, just make another son, with another woman, for Sarah is barren still."

And Abraham cried and wept even louder. "Dear Lord, I would do anything. Please, just bring back my Isaac!"

And God said, "I can't do that. Or, rather, I can, but I choose not to, for resurrection is reserved only for my son Jesus, now that I have decided to kill him. Just make another son, with another woman that I shall give to you. And you may name him Isaac if you wish, and he shall still be a father to all nations.

"But because he was born of your mistake, he shall not have the gifts that I had granted before; his descendants shall rule the nations with injustice and stupidity and fear and wickedness, until the end of time."

And as the Lord has spoken, so it was done. When the descendants of the new Isaac discovered the truth, they, in their dishonesty, distorted the story in the Bible to suit their needs. To this day, we are ruled by the ignorant and the insane, and will be so until the end of time.

_(THE END)_


End file.
